Man up, bitches!

In the last few years there are two little words that have begun to irk me more than the old standards (you know, moist, panties, soul-mate and the like). Fortunately I don’t have to hear them too often, but when these words are spoken, chances are you are going to hear them over and over.

Why have men suddenly started exclaiming, “We’re pregnant!”  Why god, why?

Guys, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. If you don’t have a uterus, then YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT.

Sure, there was the one guy in Oregon, but that doesn’t really count because he was born a woman. In case you’re interested he’s given birth to three children. I’m not kidding. As an aside, my research for this column includes the fun fact that he and his wife can have sexual intercourse because “his clitoris is so big it looks like a penis.” I really hope you’re not eating breakfast right now.

Oh yeah. Now that's hot.

So, fellas, is this the kind of company you want to keep when you announce “we’re pregnant?” Because the picture ain’t pretty.

You don’t hear a man exclaim, “We have got like the worst yeast infection ever!” Or, “these cramps are killing us! Does anyone have some Midol?”

I’ve never ever heard a man say, “we’re having an abortion.”

So why is it that you are suddenly co-incubating? Your sole contribution to the act of becoming pregnant involves a pleasurable emission. The ladies take care of the rest.

I’m not coming from a place of warrior woman/creator of life. I’ll leave that to the rest of you. But as a woman, I find it laughable when a man says “we’re pregnant” without a hint of irony.

Grow a pair of balls. You’ve obviously lost yours along the way.

Do you think this couple actually has any friends? Gross.

(This column originally appeared in the March 8, 2012 issue of Konk Life)